What I Never Wanted to Be

As I sat staring at my bruised fingertips yesterday I realized I had become the one thing that I never wanted to be: My grandmother. It’s not that I didn’t love my grandmother. It’s the fact that she never took her diabetes as serious as she needed to, and I’m doing the same. I’m completely ignoring the fact that my diabetes is out of control. My average number is in the 400 range.

I sat there in my AP’s office waiting for my blood glucose to come down to a safer range so that I wasn’t in danger of passing out or going into a diabetic coma in front of my students, and I thought about my grandmother. Her battle with diabetes. Her finger sticks. Her bruised fingers. The strokes that took her freedom. The leg amputation because she couldn’t fight off the infection.

What am I doing to myself?

I never wanted to be a fully blown diabetic having to take insulin shots. I never wanted to be the grandmother who couldn’t be around for her great grandchildren. I have a long way to that point, but I know that I don’t want to burden my sons with my care.

It’s time. It’s time for a wakeup call. My body demands it. My well-being needs it. My health deserves it.

I wanted to start blogging about my health journey, and I realized today that before I can make any type of change, I have to first embrace the idea that I am a diabetic. I cannot begin to move forward until I acknowledge that fact. It is, after all, a fact. I am a diabetic. My diabetes is out of control because I do not know how to control my diabetes.

To make an analogy, I feel like I can fly a plane because I know how to drive a car. Living with my diabetes has been like that. I just thought I knew what I was doing, but I really don’t have a clue. Things aren’t the same, and my body doesn’t respond the same.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over expecting different results. I keep doing the same thing expecting something to change. Instead, I have to change.

So here is what I know. Here is my reality.

My blood glucose has been running up to 600+. At 500 and up, I get drowsy and pass out. I haven’t been able to give up the Diet Cokes, and I know that I need to because my body thinks it is sugar and doesn’t know what to do to it.

I take 26 units of Levemir each evening.

I take 14 units of Humalog at least 4 times a day.

There have been times when I’ve had an issue trying to urinate. I know my kidneys and bladder are having issues trying to rid myself of the excess sugar.

I’m tired all the time. I have no energy. Exercising seems impossible due to the extreme tiredness I feel.

I’m supposed to take 1000 mg of Metformin 2x a day, but I don’t because I can’t handle the stomach upset.

My goal for this week is to blog daily about my journey and to take my meds like I am supposed to do.

Am I going to try to add in exercise and eating right? Yes. Will I be able to? I don’t know. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life: Admitting I have a problem.